I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You should frame my arrest warrant.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I need a beard to bite.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
