Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
