The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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