I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
foreskin is a definite game changer
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize