He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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