I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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