this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
