Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
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