i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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