I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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