I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
