I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You pole danced in your parka.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Randomize
