I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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