im about as happy as oj after his trial
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Everything about him screamed your future.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
