At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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