sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
