and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
