Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
