So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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