the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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