you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
