wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
