I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
