apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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