Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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