I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
