Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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