Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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