Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
