i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
