My friends, they love my intelligence
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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