The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
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