How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
