who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
