I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
