genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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