my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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