booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
