just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
