Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
