Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
