i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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