Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
