woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
