bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
