i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Randomize
