my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
