He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
