How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Randomize