He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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