it's not cheating when I paid for it
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
