Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
