We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
