I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
