well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
don't judge my taste in strippers
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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