Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Randomize