all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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