forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
If I had your ass I would rule the world
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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