it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
