The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
